I am me…

So I have just started the newest chapter in my life so I am thinking that I will start to devote this blog to just that. My newest chapter. See just a few months ago I moved across country. Not a big deal you say? You haven’t heard the whole story. I don’t think I will go into the whole story tonight, but I will give you this brief back ground.

Eight years ago, I was that girl next door. The one who graduates high school, gets married, starts a family. Only it was all just pretend. It was never the life I wanted for me but the one I knew they would find acceptable. They being society. They being everyone around me. They being my family.

See that’s the big one right there. My family. I am the oldest of four children, brought up in a very dysfunctional, broken, “Christian” home. I use the word Christianity loosely. Their definition of what being a Christian is and mine greatly vast in contrast. That is another discussion for another time.

My mother left my father for alcohol. My father left his sanity and beat us. Thankfully, it seems that both only lasted until we had children of our own. My father no longer yells, screams, and hits; and my mother stopped drinking when my oldest was only five months old. I think I resent them both for that.

Yet, even with all the problems my family has, for the most part we are very close. For some strange, and yes, often stupid, reason, I love them and tend to rely on their opinions more than my own. Definitely more than I should. I now realize this. For years I didn’t. Which is part of the reason that I hid my sexuality from everyone and tried hiding it from myself. Needless to say…

IT DIDN’T WORK!

Why didn’t it work? What was it about the life I was living was a lie? The thing is… for as long as I can remember I have been attracted to women. What? Women? Aren’t you a woman yourself? I’ll be nice and not keep you in the dark for as long as I did my ‘family’ Yes, I am attracted to women. Yes, I am a woman. Finally, yes, that does make me a lesbian.*gasp* Oh no! Run for the hills… It’s a butch, it’s a dyke… it’s a lesbian. OH NO!!!!

(God I hate sterotypes.)

So here I am, 1500 miles from home… with three kids, a beautiful partner, living. No more hiding. No more lying. To myself. To my kids. To my family. To anyone.

This is me. Open. Raw. You don’t like it? Start walking. From now on… I am me. This is my blog….